Tis the season...

To stuff your face?

I survived Christmas Eve and Christmas...didn't eat too badly, but it was definitely more than I have eaten in the last few months. I felt pretty gross and uncomfortable til last night...now we have all this damn snow and I can't even get to the gym. Hoping to get back on track in the next day or so, but not going to go overboard...have a few things this week that will be tricky to eat as good as I want to, including NYE. But I know what I need to do, and I plan on doing it.

Christmas came early...

Well, I haven't updated in a few days, mostly because I was pretty bullshit about being standstill with my weight for awhile...but - TODAY...

I HIT THE 20 POUND MARK!!!!!!!!!

My goal was to be down 20 by the end of the year - and I hit it with over a week to spare.

When will I learn?

Tried eating pasta again last night. Wasn't too long before I got violently sick. It's one thing if it happens at home, when I am by myself. Another when I am out. You would think after it happening once I would know I have to stay away from it. UGH

No real update the last few days, because there's not much to say. Only made it to the gym twice so far this week...feeling kind of blah. Need to rediscover my motivation.

I suppose I forgot how tough this time of year can be.

Every time you turn around, it's another party, another round of drinks, another dessert table - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ok. I feel better now.

Saturday was Amaya's 2nd birthday party. I could have done a lot better with my eating, but I was an asshole and didn't eat breakfast, or lunch, so by the time I got there and the party started, I was starving. I know better.

Same with Sunday. Reilly Christmas party after rehearsal, didn't eat anything beforehand. By 5pm I was so hungry I was lightheaded. I tried to make as good choices as I could, with what was available but it's tough.

I did make it to the gym this morning. Hoping to get in 3 or 4 days this week again.

Took yesterday off from the gym. I spent 4 hours in the car, and my legs were tight when I woke up yesterday as it was. May go today...we'll see how I am feeling this afternoon.

Down another 1.5...woooo!

New record?

Today is Thursday. I have been to the gym Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday so far this week. Granted - I am not there for 3 hours at a time, but still - 3 days in a week - let a lone in a row...that has never happened before. Also went 3 days last week too...

Taking today off probably, and then back tomorrow. And surprisingly, I don't hate going!

I'm starting to slip.

I need to refocus, fast - before I get out of control.

Almost forgot...

Weighed in today, and have officially hit the 15 pound mark. Took a little more than a month, but hey - I am older than I was the last time through this, and I had a rough week in the middle there.

I WILL hit 20 by the end of this month!

Challenges.

Another weekend has gone by, and I think for the most part, I did alright. I am finding it to be a bit easier when I have to eat out and with others, to resist eating certain things. Saturday after the parade, we went to dinner and while everyone else dug into the bread basket, I didn't have any. We also didn't do any appetizers, regardless of how hungry we were. I did get pasta for dinner - it also had crab meat, shitake mushrooms and plum tomatos with a real light sauce to it. I barely ate the pasta, and what little I did it - not good. Within 20 minutes I was sick. Did not take long at all to realize that I am not ready for that just yet, not even in the smallest amount. I have not had bread, pasta, etc in 6 weeks and just the small amount I did have, went right through me.

So, for now it is back to rediscovering the other things that I like and can tolerate for now. The next few weeks will be tough. Christmas time is always tough. But having already started losing weight I am motivated, and don't feel like I NEED to eat candy or Christmas cookies just because they are there in front of me.

Here we are at Friday again...pretty good week, got back on track. Ate a lot better, made it to the gym 3 times so far. I am sure I won't get a chance to update over the weekend, so keep your fingers crossed I am able to keep focused, and happy with the weigh in on Monday.

Yesterday was tough on many levels.

I didn't update, because I was gone all day...left the house and 7am, and didn't get home until 5. Promptly followed by a 'nap' which lead to me sleeping until this morning.

Funerals are draining. Emotionally, mentally. On top of that, it was miserable weather. Rain, at times real bad - flooding, windy. Nothing like standing at a gravesite with the rain coming in sideways.

After that, we get to the luncheon...at an Italian restaurant. I knew what was coming. Bruschetta, bread basket, salad (whew), penne, entree (fish with some vegetables I could eat) and ice cream for dessert.

Normally, I'd embrace the comfort food. Between the day itself, and weather making it that much more difficult to deal with, I would have eaten half that basket of bread on my own. Yesterday, I was good. No bread, no penne, no ice cream. Believe me, I wanted it, but I refrained.

Treading water.

Well, I am back at the loss I reached prior to Plymouth weekend/ Thanksgiving. Talk about wasting time...2 weeks ago, I was the weight I am now. And then gained a few back, due to chaotic scheduling, and going hours without food, and then eating what was easily available.

I can't be pissed off that I feel like that was 2 weeks of wasted time. Instead, I have to look at it as proof that I CANNOT do this on my own just yet. I am not there.

Went to the gym last night, so much easier when Kathy and I make plans to go together. You feel like you are breaking plans with the other person if you don't go. We'll be back again tonight, hoping to do at least 45 minutes on the elliptical, maybe an hour. Once I am there I start to lose track of time.

Do-over.

Have you ever had one of those days, where you wake up, and you just don't feel...right?

That's today.

I don't know what it is, but I am out of sorts. The slightest things are aggravating me. I don't feel good about anything right now, and that's not okay.

Starting back on Phase 1 today...the weekend in Plymouth and Thanksgiving - within a week of each other - really did their best to sabotage me. I wanted to be down alot more after 1 month, but I guess that was unrealistic of me.

The day after.

Made it through Thanksgiving with minimal feelings of guilt. Even though I ate relatively well yesterday, I still feel bad about enjoying myself even the tiniest bit yesterday. Isn't that sad?

This is when I need to kick things into high gear, so that by the time Christmas rolls around I am not feeling like this again. I have a plan, I just need to execute it and stick with it.

Today, not really feeling much like venturing out...I'd prefer to stay away from the Black Friday crazies. I'll probably clean and put up the Xmas decorations.

Not getting on the scale until Monday...after this past weekend, and Thanksgiving I would rather just assume that I gained a pound or two, and then be surprised next week.

Thanksgiving

"The average American consumes 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat on Thanksgiving day..."

WOW.

Good vibes.

A few people made comments over the weekend that they could tell that I was losing weight. That's always a nice thing to hear, especially when you are trying so hard to get that goal met. I won't see most of them for 3 more weeks or so, it will be interesting to see what my progress is like by then...and who notices.

This weekend was tough. Alright, it was worse than tough. I cannot do this on someone else's schedule, I am not anywhere near being ready for that yet. Saturday, I went 7 hours without eating. SEVEN. Then we had an hour break for dinner, to get ready and be back on the bus. What were the options? Either eat something quick, or wait a few more hours to eat. I couldn't wait, I was already light headed and didn't feel right from not eating all day. Pizza. That was the solution. And while it tasted great, it wasn't the answer. I felt gross after eating it. I was still hungry an hour later, and my stomach was not happy.

Glad to be home, and back on my own schedule.

Skipped yesterday...trying to get ready for the weekend. Packing and last minute whatnot today, leaving at 6am tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm a little nervous about traveling and being on someone else's schedule, than I have been the last 2 weeks or so. I have gotten so accustomed to doing what I need to, when I need to - that it's going to be an adjustment for me to have to be flexible. I know that I'm capable of it, just a little anxious is all.

Probably won't get a chance to update over the weekend...keep your fingers crossed I don't have a meltdown and eat an entire pizza. LOL

Wuh.

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. Well - hold onto your hat, kids. I found pictures that my mom took during a parade I was at with the corps over the summer. I believe this is from July 4th weekend.

If I wasn't motivated already, dear LORD. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself.

Go ahead. Take a long look. Because that is the LAST time you will see that much of me.

Seriously. Gross.

Progress?

Feeling a bit better today, now that Aunt Flo has decided to vacate the premises.

I needed positive reinforcement. And while all of the comments, and feedback and support from everyone is great, I needed to SEE it. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't see what I liked, but luckily it worked in my favor...

Got on the scale this morning, down another 2.

Small moral victory. Yesterday, could have left me totally bullshit. I was pretty disappointed. Defeated. Frustrated. You name it, I went through all of that in the span of 30 minutes yesterday morning. Then, I got over it.

Previously, I would have dwelled on it all day, and probably been so pissed I would have just given up and eaten something bad to make myself feel better. Now? Seeing that number go down 2 more digits allows me to feel BETTER.

Maybe I'm finally making progess?

Ugh.

I'm trying REALLY hard to not be discouraged right now. I have to remind myself, period week for most - including myself - means water retention, no weight loss. Regardless, going through a whole week of being good, doing what I'm supposed to, and only losing 1.5 is FRUSTRATING.

Is it still a loss? Yes. Am I happy about it? Sure. Maybe I was spoiled the first week. Bad timing on my part? I shouldn't have started when the 2nd week would included bloating, cramps, and a general feeling of weighing a metric shit ton.

My bad.

So that brings the total since November 1, to 9 down.

I'm staying on Phase 1 at least through Thursday.

Friday.

I am certainly eager for this week to be over. Not for the obvious reason (I am excited to weigh on Monday), but I HATE having women's week. Granted, it's a few a days a month but I don't feel nearly as good as I did last week. Even though I haven't strayed or changed my daily routine, I don't feel GOOD during the day like I did. It's like no matter what I do, I still feel bloated and like I weigh 900 pounds, largely motivated by my midsection. I really hate being a girl sometimes.

I'll probably stay on Phase 1 a few more days beyond the 2 week mark, because I honestly don't feel like I have lost anything this week. I'm sure I have, but I feel blah.

Veteran's Day

Thankful for the men & women who continue to keep us safe & free!

Can't believe it is already Thursday, of week 2. The next few days will be tricky, weekends always are, but I'll be okay. Looking forward to weighing on Monday.

Did I really just say that?

Though it isn't a full body shot, found a 'skinny' picture today while going through some old emails. Practically one chin! ;) This was from May, 2005. Motivation!

Tempted yet again.

I don't know if I just forgot how much of a daily mental test losing weight is, but damn. It seems like every day I am faced with another obstacle...make this choice or that one... feel good about yourself or feel guilty. Why can't it just be 'eat this, not that, get skinny'???

Went to dinner last night after rehearsal...I'm grateful to be surrounded by supportive people. Went to Chickie and Pete's, had a salad - but really, why the hell do they need to put CRAB FRIES on a damn salad? Does that not negate all possibly healthiness? I took that shit off, and the croutons, and was left with a heaping bowl of lettuce, a few plum tomatos, and some grilled chicken.

I successfully did not have a single fry.

I wanted to, believe me. The fat kid inside wanted to tear that shit up. But, I refrained. Somehow.

Today is going to be a challenge...I can tell already.

It's cold.

The next few months are going to be a true test of motivation. It's already winter apparently. We skipped right past fall, and it is COLD. I don't want to leave the house, I don't feel like going to the gym, and I certainly don't want to run outside.

I need to stay focused and keep active, find new ways to stay interested in exercise. I'm not 'there' yet - I don't LOVE going to the gym. I want to, and maybe some day I will, but I'm not there yet.

Took yesterday off, today too... legs are still not 100% from Sunday. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

It's also about to be period week, which is always hard for me. I don't get bitchy, I don't get over emotional - I get hungry. I want to eat everything in sight. But again - if I can get through this past Saturday, I can handle a few days of woman time.

UGH.

Here's a picture from before we started the Race for Hope on Sunday, November 7. Amanda, Carter and I - freezing our asses off. :)

First week - DONE

Well, I weighed in this morning, and since I started last Monday I've lost 7.5 pounds. :)

Not a bad start. I definitely FEEL a lot better, and am more focused than I have been in a long time. The first week was NOT EASY and I found myself having to exhibit a lot of self control...which only means, I had alot of bad habits before that are going to take some time to undo.

No worries. I've got this.

Weekends are TOUGH.

A lot tougher than I thought they would be...busy, hectic, and tempting. I found myself in a lot of situations this weekend where I could have made really bad choices regarding food - and I didn't.

I'm impressed with my own level of self control. I refuse to fail at this.

Saturday, went to Corey's football game...which lead to Jim's Steaks in the city, and of course - the bar - with some of the Reilly crew. Do you have any idea HOW HARD it is to sit there and eat a cheesesteak sans roll? UGH. I so badly wanted to bite into that nice fluffy loaf of goodness, but I was good. I ate it with a fork.

And I didn't even lick the roll.

The bar - same deal. I wasn't going to drink anyway with having the race this morning, but to sit there for hours and not have a beer, shot or any alcohol whatsoever - is tough.

5k was today. COLD. I felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest with a knife when I breathed, that's how cold it was. Legs are sore, hips are sore, I am exhausted. But - glad that we managed to pull it off yet again.

Tomorrow starts the 2nd week of phase 1. I am eager to get on the scale and see how the first week has gone...

Day 5...still alive

The end of week one is coming to a close - soon...just have to get through the weekend, which is always tough. Schedule is different, more social 'excuses'. I have the race Sunday, and rehearsal so that should keep me structured.

Kind of distracted today - thus the late entry...but hot damn - a full week and I have written every day. That is an accomplishment in itself.

I feel good today. Kath and I had a great workout last night a the gym. For the first time in awhile I am feeling GOOD, and not so 'fluffy'. I mean, I still am and will be for awhile, but I am feeling better.

Improvement!

Blah.

Today is pretty craptastic. Rainy, cold - good day to stay in bed.

I started to feel like I was getting sick last night, don't have time for that...took some Zicam. Little better today, but it still feels like it is trying. I am planning on getting to the gym today for a nice long workout, that always helps.

Day 4. A week ago today I was at the doctor, and wanted to throw the scale at the poor nurse. Certainly was the wake up call that I needed...could have been a little nicer though, it felt more like a slap in the face.

I am not ready for this race on Sunday. At all. My left knee has been giving me problems off and on the last 2 weeks, feels like I hyperextended it or something. Hopefully I will be good to go. If not, I'll just take alot of pain meds. :)

A plus to being on SB, I am rediscovering a lot of foods that I really enjoy but just never made the time to have before. Lots of good veggies, hummus, healthy snacks as opposed to crap that always made me feel unsatisfied and wanting to eat more. No lie, last night I really wanted fucking pizza. For the first time all week, I was thinking about food - other than when am I eating again. I hope that was a fleeting thought because frankly, I am refusing to fail.

So far...

Day 3.

First 3 days are usually the hardest...and yet, I feel fine. Maybe it is because I've been here before and know what to expect? I dunno.

Yesterday was tricky. I was gone a lot of the day and evening and had to get creative with eating, but did okay. Didn't sleep too great last night, so I got a late start today but I'll adjust.

Weather is not looking so grand for the race on Sunday. COLD. Where the hell is fall? We seemed to have just face planted into winter.

Should get to the gym this afternoon...we'll see how the knee feels. Getting old & being overweight are no bueno on the joints. Luckily, I'm trying to fix half of that...

I cheated.

Yep.

I'm weak, what can I say?

Not in the way that you're thinking though...


I got on the scale this morning.

I know, I know. I am a big supporter of not being scale obsessed. Your body weight can fluctuate naturally on a daily basis even when you aren't dieting. Honestly, you are best to weigh once a week. My weigh in days will be Mondays.

I had to. I felt so good this morning. After getting through yesterday, I needed the reinforcement of 'yes, this is going to work for me, again'.

Down 2.

Granted it is probably water weight, or a result of having shit like 5 times yesterday, or perhaps the 45 minutes on the elliptical last night - WHO CARES. It is moving in the right direction, and I feel good.

I was even behaved last night. Went to the bar - remember, no alcohol for the 1st two weeks - for Courtney's birthday. I was good. No alcohol. No crappy bar food. I am impressed with my own self control. ;)

I promise I won't get on again until Monday.

Day 1...again

Today is the day.

I slept like shit last night, couldn't get comfortable. Felt sick. No doubt it was because of everything I ate. Fast food for lunch, pasta dinner complete with garlic bread, Halloween candy, soda, dessert. Ugh!!! How do people eat like this on a regular basis? Oh right, they're the ones that can't leave their bedroom because they're huge.

Gross. I felt completely gross. Which, was the goal. Despite a rough nights sleep, my mindset is dead on today. I am still totally disgusted & motivated.

First goal acheived.

I have an ideal weight loss goal, that I will hit. I also have smaller ones along the way...10 pounds, 20 pounds, getting under 200. Milestones if you will. I'll get there. I am more determined than ever.

Sunday is the brain tumor 5k. Should get to the gym at least 3, maybe 4 days this week beforehand...too cold to run outside, though I think Saturday I'll have to so Sunday isn't a total shock. Ideally, I want to beat my time from 2 years ago.

Til tomorrow...

Take two.

Here we go again.

Tomorrow, starts SB round #2. I hit my point of absolute disgust on Thursday. Doctor's appointment, got weighed, and I am officially my heaviest ever.

Fucking awesome.

Well, I kept saying I needed motivation. That was a total bitch slap to the face.

So, I took the weekend as it came. Ate my face off today. Went food shopping for all of the necessities for the next few weeks, and I start tomorrow.

Again.

Part of me wants to be angry with myself. Having already gone through this struggle, I swore that I would never be at this point again...and yet, here I am and it is going to be even harder this time. That isn't going to do me much good. So, I am refocusing and getting my fat ass back on track. I am done feeling this way.

Stay tuned...

Well...life certainly can change in an instant, can't it?

I was prepared for this one...did it make it easier? Perhaps. BUT I have been emotionally, mentally, and physically drained/abused/a mess for the last few months.

That chapter is over. My life is going to be better. The stress is gone...not entirely, it will be replaced with other stress...good stress.

It is time to refocus on ME.

P.S.

Mom's surgery went well. She's home resting, or at least trying to...the doctor was happy with the results and she doesn't have to see the cardiologist for 3 months. Huge relief and stress lifted.

Giving up...

Well, Lent has started, and I gave up bread. That should help, right?

Maybe I need to give up food altogether...nah, it'd never work. I feel like the last few days have been little, tiny mini steps of progress. Nothing huge, but I am not moving backwards anymore. At least not for now.

I really need some motivation to smack me in the back of the head.

Fat Tuesday

Well, happy Mardi Gras. I hope everyone else ate their faces off today and got it out of their systems collectively, because I sure as hell did. And I feel like total shit about it.

Good reminder. When I overdo it - I pay the consequences.

Little bit of stress, mom is having some surgery tomorrow morning. While she's acting like it's no big deal, it's her heart. Not a root canal. I've slept like shit the last 2 nights, and my eating habits have been ERRATIC.

I need to get through tomorrow, and I'll be good. I wish I had time for the treadmill. I could use the QT.

Baby steps

Back to back entries. I'm surprised myself. I made some changes today, that I plan to stick with going forward...can't disclose them just yet.

I need to do this, for me. Not for anyone but myself. As soon as I lose that motivation and desire to do for me, I'm done.

So tonight, looking back on day 1 version who knows, I'm content.

Slacker

I've gotten way off the path that I need to be on, and it's time to stop making excuses.