Thank God for small miracles.

The sun came out today. The roads were clear. I GOT TO THE GYM.

Sweet Jesus, I have never been so relieved to get out of the house and MOVE. It felt great. Kath didn't meet me today, she's been sick, so I was doing my own thing - and I forgot how much I really do enjoy working out. I did 3 miles on the elliptical and a bunch of weights. Legs and some arms, and I cannot wait to feel that 'good sore' tomorrow morning.

Also went tanning too. This weather is not only depressing, but the lack of daily sunshine is really affecting me. So, even though it was fake, the warmth allowed me to pretend I was somewhere really, really great. Like a beach. haha

Luckily, I had an emotional work out of sorts as well...a much needed reality check & pep talk. Thank you. :)

Finally... I think I am coming out of the funk.

It's snowing.

AGAIN.

If I can't get out of the house today and get to the gym, I may literally go crazy.

I am sucking at life lately.

Seriously - what is happening? I was doing really, REALLY well for awhile and lately I have lost my focus.

Me.

I am my focus. I have to be my focus. I can't do this for anyone else other than myself, because that is when I start to slip. I cannot allow myself room for leeway, or 'just a little bit' or 'maybe I'll go tomorrow' - I cannot do it.

UGH.

Do you ever wake up, already feeling aggravated, only to have the day make it worse?

I am frustrated. There's a million things I want to get out of my head and into sentences, but they don't even make sense right now as thoughts - let alone try and put them into cohesive strings of words.

I just want to know when it's going to get easy. I deserve to be happy. ALL of the time.

There's nothing worse than being in a funk, than not knowing how you got in it or how to get out of it.

Like a lightbulb.

It hit me today.

I need to stop focusing so much on 'the number' and moreso on how I feel.

Lately, I have lost the feeling...the feeling of being in control, of really genuinely feeling good about myself. Why?

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I am determined as hell to figure it out. Today, Kathy and I started what is going to be our new regiment at the gym. 4 days a week. 2 days will be an hour on the elliptical, the other 2 will be 30 minutes followed by alternate days of weights.

Earlier today, I toyed with the idea of doing the Broad Street Run this May. 10 miles. TEN MILES. Dear Lord to say it outloud makes it sound even worse...the most I have ever done is a 5k, and frankly, 10 is a lot more than 3.2.

Then - I saw a post on friend's blog about being inspired...she talked about a post she read on a blog that she follows. So I decided to read the post, and watch a video - and it hit me like a ton of bricks in the face. I mean really, to my core - made it all very real for me. This isn't about what I am saying that I'm going to do - it's about DOING it. There is no such thing as someday, it needs to be right now. That simple.

Here's the blog: bendoeslife.com

The video is on the right hand side of the home page. I'm warning you - I cried throughout the entire thing.

I seem to have misplaced my self control.

Need to find it. ASAP.

Frustrated.

This has been a rough week.

I haven't been able to get to the gym. I am frustrated. I haven't eaten a normal day's worth of food, in 5 days.

Aside from my own personal health, I feel like I am failing someone close to me. Well, maybe not failing, but they're in a spot and I don't know how to help them. Maybe I can't? At what point do you accept you can't fix something and just try to be supportive the best you can? I suppose that's where I'm at...what I need to fix...I need to understand, that I can't do anything but just be...and that's okay.

Normally, I can go to the gym and that distracts me - if even temporarily. I can get it out...destress, refocus, all of it. I have had NO outlet for over a week now, and I am way too much in my own head.

I can't do it.

Meh.

I woke up today, "feeling" better...like myself. Apparently, that was temporary.

I have eaten ONCE, like real food - since Sunday evening, and that was a salad. How in the hell is anything still coming out of me?

You should know by now, that if you are reading my blog I am not going to sensor it or worry about offending anyone, so if it gets too personal...well, I'm not sorry. lol

This is to the point of getting ridiculous. I can't eat without it going right through me, so I don't eat. Well, you don't eat, you don't have energy. I am tired of laying around, doing nothing. I have a rehearsal tonight. I want to EAT. This is so damn aggravating!!!

Ugh.

It's amazing the difference a week can make.

Last week, I was feeling somewhat defeated...set an unrealistic goal for myself, and backtracked a bit.

This week, I get sick - and may possibly have gotten the jump start that I have been waiting for, for the last few weeks.

I originally wanted to be down an additional 15 pounds by my birthday...35 total, since November 1. Then decided that was too much, since I gained a few back over Xmas/NYE...well, I have since lost the few I gained, and an additional 6.5 pounds.

Since Sunday.

Total, since November 1, I am down 23.5...I think it is feasible that I could lose another 11.5 by my birthday (27 days).

Being sick sucks.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me, hoping it is just a temporary bug, but man - I have not felt this sick in as long as I can remember.

Went to bed around 830 last night...woke up 2 hours later, throwing up. This proceeded to happen every 2 hours through the night, last time was around 630am. Diarhea too. Like really? At one point it was taking all of my energy to walk from my bed, to the bathroom. I would go from sweating to having the chills within minutes. Couldn't even keep fluids down.

Weighed myself this evening, and I've lost 5.5 - since YESTERDAY.

I need to eat, I have no energy but I'm afraid to because I don't want it to come right back up. Hoping that this subsides by the morning.

Whew.

Weighed this morning...back to my pre-Christmas weight...thankfully!

I have another dress fitting on the 29th for Chrissy's wedding...IDEALLY I would like to be down another 10 by then. That's 3 weeks. I can do that, right???

Haven't posted any pictures lately, so here's an update...these are from mid December.

Nothing earthshattering, slow and steady - but these don't make me want to vomit like the one from July did!

Gym yesterday. What a disaster. It was packed, all the new years resolutioners were there, all super motivated...hopefully that won't last. I mean, don't get me wrong I am glad that people want to be healthy but it is always a headache after the 1st of the year, when it is mad crowded. Usually doesn't take long to thin out...just kinda funny that the 'regulars' get lazy because they don't want to deal with the temporary scene of madness. Hopefully it will subside.

Didn't get to the gym today...legs are still kind of tight from yesterday. Also barely ate. Had lunch with the girls, and had A roll -well that was a bad, bad idea...within an hour I was sick. That was enough for me to lose my appetite and motivation to eat for today.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be better...otherwise, life is good! Lots of reasons to smile... :)

I think I was a bit premature in my post yesterday. I weighed this morning, and while I had a feeling I had gained over the holidays, I didn't think it would be 5 pounds.

There's no way that I am going to lose that 5, and an additional 15 in the next 35 days. Not when it took me nearly two months to lose the inital 20.

Fuck.

I'm going to be realistic. Kath and I start back to the gym today after a week and a half off, and I would like to do 4 days a week. If I can do that, go back on Phase 1 for the next 2 weeks... I am going to set my goal - REALISTICALLY - at 13 by my birthday. That would put me at 28 total since starting November 1.

New Years resolution?

Not so much...moreso of a recommitment - is that a word? - to continue to lose weight. I have managed to lose 20 since November 1, and while I am thrilled with that, and that was my first goal, I am nowhere near done. I am trying to remain realistic and not set unreasonable goals. It is the beginning of the year, the holidays are done - for now - and I can focus on myself again.

My next goal, is to lose another 15 by my birthday...

Ready - go.