First goal.

Down 10. FINALLY. Missed hitting it by Christmas a few days, but I am still happy I managed to lose over the weekend and not gain.

Next goal, another 9 by Jan 23...that would put my down 25 from my heaviest weight when I went to the doctor last October. 23rd I go again.

I have been off base since Saturday. WHY do I do this??? When am I going to understand, that I am not able to have a little bit of leeway? None. When I do, this always happens.

Need to get it together before I completely derail.

SO PISSED.

Weekends and days off. They are definitely the hardest. Days I have to get up, go to work, I am on a schedule...a routine. And when I eat, how I eat, is also very routine. My struggle right now, is to figure out how to do that, when I am either off and have no set schedule, or around other people.

Saturday night, I ate some stuff I shouldn't have. Not a lot, but enough that I felt sick afterwards, and until Sunday morning. And Sunday, I was not prepared - did not eat breakfast, by 11am I was feeling the effects of that...it's amazing how my body is so used to it now after only 2 weeks of making sure I have a lot of protein in the morning.

I need to do better.

It's Friday

Which means - free lunch at work. And it's pizza day. Let's see how impossible this is...

Fucking over it.

Week 1

...is in the books.

Weighed in this morning, I am down 5.5. I was hoping it would be more but I am happy with it - considering I was not 100% this weekend, and have only been to the gym once.

On to week 2!

Weekend.

It wasn't awful. I also wasn't 100% either, but I think I really did make the best choices I could in situations that were tough. I wasn't at home Saturday, or Sunday - and having to eat with other people, other people's food, and out aren't always easy when you are restricted. But I think I did okay. I even resisted dessert at my parents' last night...and everyone knows, that is no easy task. lol

Today is the last day of week 1. I need to go food shopping again, pick up a few more items that I've run out of...the good thing is, eating a lot of the same things, I'll be a lot better at budgeting and shopping on a regular basis, knowing what I will spend on food. As opposed to stopping at Wawa for lunch and dropping $7-8 or McDonalds for breakfast for $5. I really am trying to do better, not just about my weight but also making lifestyle changes in general.

1st challenge.

So, the last 4 days have not been that bad, really. Day 1 was a little rough, I was hungry all day and all I could think about was food. But I got through it. Even yesterday, which on Fridays, work provides lunch - I did okay. It was hoagies and I just didn't eat the bread. Scooped the tuna right out of the sandwich, and then ate some of what I brought too. But, here we are upon the weekend...

Always tricky. Unless I lock myself in the house, it's going to be a challenge. And I refuse to do that. I just need to stay focused and not let things get out of control. Eye on the prize. If I can get through today and tomorrow, Monday is here - and then Tuesday is already 1 week down.

I can do it.

May get to the gym today, have a lot of other odds and ends type things I wanna do...we'll see.

Bleh.

Well, waking up today was definitely different, having NOT gone to the gym last night. I noticed a huge difference in how I slept, and also how I felt in the morning. I hope I don't drag ass today. Right now, I just want to go back to bed for like, a day.

Ugh.

In other news, I cheated and got on the scale already. Down 4. Ha!

gym

Last night was my first time back to the gym in...weeks? Months? I honestly, could not even tell you - that's how long it has been. Either way, completely unacceptable not only for the fact that I am paying for it each month, but realistically, you can't just think yourself skinny.

I've tried. Doesn't work.

I last 18 minutes on the elliptical, did 1.5 miles. At around the 14 minute mark my muscles started to feel like they were separating from my bones, so I didn't want to overdue it. Again, it's been.....yeah, I wanted to be able to walk today. I'm sore, but not incapacitated. It's that good sore. The feeling you have when you know you've EARNED feeling sore.

Not sure why I wait so damn long...I always feel much better after being there. Even for 20 minutes. Still making the effort to GO. Doesn't mean I have to get in 2 hours each day. I just have to DO it.

I was also able to pick up a print out of what I have paid since January, that I can submit to work and they reimburse up $120 of what you put out for a gym membership. Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, and where the hell did December come from? Seriously...this year has FLOWN.

Well, I survived yesterday. Luckily I was busy at work and also distracted with car issues... I still felt like I was thinking about food constantly. Hopefully today will be better.

I really am impatient about this whole thing. You would think by know I'd have it figured out...

Day 1, version 3...

I found it so much easier to wake up yesterday on my day off, than I did today.

Found time to make breakfast...2 eggs, 2 pieces of turkey sausage, glass of low sodium V8. Mmm, yum - right?

Got on the scale this morning, and while I am not at my heaviest weight that I was last October, I am a little too close to it than I'd like to be...and should be far away by now. But, I fucked up and let all of my hard work from last November - March 30th go down the drain.

Am I pissed? Sure. Disappointed in myself? Absolutely. But feeling pissed and disappointed isn't going to make change. I need to be positive. Believe in myself. Move forward.

So, here we go again.

First goal is to be down 10 by Christmas.

3 1/2 weeks. 26 days.

Once I hit that goal, I'll reveal the others...because there are plenty of benchmarks that stand between me and 75 pounds less of me.

No really.

Apparently that last post, was bullshit.

November has come and gone, just about - and I am finally getting my act together. Phase 1 begins tomorrow. Again. For the 3rd and hopefully final time, but I doubt that - because really, I will always struggle. I need to accept that, it will make things a lot easier.

Went food shopping today, ate all kinds of bad stuff to the point of feeling even more gross about myself, and threw out anything that was bad in my cabinets, fridge...there wasn't much. I'm not bad about the stuff I buy. My eating habits have just been completely erratic. I let others influence me too much. I've gotten lazy. Complacent.

Need to get back to the gym too.

Tired of making excuses.

3rd times a charm?

Back at square one. Again.

Honestly, this is getting old. I am tired of allowing myself to get to the point of complete frustration, gain weight back, and THEN decided to fix it. When am I going to learn? Or won't I? Will this always be something I have to struggle with? Something I have to work at every day of my life?

Ugh.

That's how I feel right now.

Ugh.

5k in 5 days. I am terrified. I haven't been to the gym in lord knows how long. My schedule has been turned upside down with the new job - which I love - but I have had zero time for myself really, and when I do, I just want to sleep. Yeah, because I'm fat - that's what happens. You're tired all the time.

Completely aggravated. Disgusted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Get the point???

Here we go again.

November 1, same time I started last year, took me until March to lose 30, and I've managed to gain most of it back. I'd like to be down 15 between now and the end of the month.

Ready, go.

I'm disappointed,

In myself. In my lack of discipline. Lack of self control.

I worked my ass off to lose 30 pounds...I am sure I could look back and see exactly when I got there, May? April?

All summer, I let myself do whatever I wanted. Skipped the gym. Ate bate. And I've paid for it. I've managed to gain back almost half of what I lost. Super.

I have to go to the doctor's on the 31st. That will be a year just about from when I went prior, and was at my heaviest weight ever. I wanted to be down 50 by the time that appointment came. That won't happen. If I can lose 10 between now and then I'll be thrilled.

I am back on lose-it.com. I have found that when I stick to that and keep a better eye on what I am eating, I am much more accountable. There's gotta be a starting point. So, there it is.

Ugh.

I need more hours in the day.

Yep.

Still slacking.

I know, what the hell am I waiting for, right? Honestly, the last month has been out of control. I have had no free time, working, teaching, oh -and I got a new job that starts on Monday. So, yay excited for that, but again - I have had no time to just breathe, and focus on ME.

The intent is there. It really is...my PLAN is to get up and do the gym in the mornings. Now, you know I am not a morning person, so this is challenging in and of itself. Plus the next 2-3 weeks are training, so I am in the office at 8am...which is 2 hours earlier than I have been used to being at work the last 5 months.

The next week or so is crucial. Time to get my ass back in gear, mentally, physically, EMOTIONALLY. I am tired of feeling all over the place. And it's my own fault.

I completely suck at life.

It has gotten out of control.

Looking at my last entry, these last few months have really just been a compound effort of excuse after excuse.

I need to get myself back.

Crazed.

I haven't updated in forever. Things have been nuts.

Finally got a job....relieved! Started Monday, very grateful and happy to be working again.
The flipside of that, is my entire schedule/routine/whatever the hell you want to call what I considered to be normal the last 10 months, has been flipped upside down.

I have been up at 6:45 am every day this week. I am eating breakfast, lunch, dinner - not snacking in between, eating whenever I needed to - read: every 2-3 hours, as I had been for the last 4 months. My body is in serious WTF mode. I also have no had the time or energy to get to the gym, which I really want to do...cannot wait to get back into a groove and try to at least get there 3 nights a week. No way in hell I will get there before work, unless it is one of my late days.

My eating habits have changed...trying to pack my lunch as best I can, but again I have gotten so used to eating the way I have for months. Even moreso why I need the exercise consistent.

Sigh. Always a challenge...

Sometimes, it just hits you

Saw a lot of people this past weekend that I have not seen in awhile...quite a few made comments about my weight, so people are noticing. It is great to have that positive reinforcement. Obviously, I see myself every day, and while I do feel better, my clothes are fitting differently, when someone I have not seen in a few months asks if I am losing weight, it helps. Also, I am really starting to notice it in some pictures, especially in my face. Now the rest of me needs to catch up!

Haven't been to the gym at all this week... having a tough time not being distracted. It is hard for me to want to focus on myself, when people around me are suffering. This is a tough lesson in not being able to 'fix' for other people, all of the time. I'm not doing too well with it.

So, my two weeks didn't go nearly as well as I wanted them to, and I'm not surprised. Very distracted right now by a lot of other things in life, so I am finding it tough to focus.

Wondering when it will all fall into place.

Motivation

It's been hard lately. The weather sucks. I know that sounds like an excuse but I don't know many people who jump out of bed and embrace a cold or rainy day. It is effing Spring. Where is my sunshine and warmer weather?

Not working isn't helping. It is BEYOND frustrating. Please don't tell me you understand, becaues chances are - you don't. So pair the feeling of being unwanted, with shitty self esteem - it's no wonder I am not 400 pounds. I am trying...being around positive, supportive people is helping. I'm not fixed entirely, but I am better than I was about it in the past.

I can tell you right now, this week didn't go as well as last week. Today was my first day back tot he gym in almost 2 weeks, and it hurt. Lasted only 35 minutes on the elliptical and did 2 weight machines. That was it. BUT - I went.

Need to get to the point where I stop fighting it mentally...it has to get easier.

Week 1, round 3...

So last week went okay. Until Friday. The weekends are so tough being on someone else's schedule, but I tried to do the best that I could.

Finally hit the 30 pound mark....I lost 4 last week, even with the weekend being shaky.

Baby steps!

Day 1, version 3?

Ya know, it's okay. The whole point of this 'diet' is that it is supposed to be a lifestyle change. You go on phase 1 to jumpstart, cleanse, get going...phase 2 you are supposed to stay on until you reach your goal weight, and then you go on phase 3 for maintenance.

When I started in November, I stayed on phase 1 for 3 weeks. I did really well up until Christmas. New Years. Then I got sick in January with that God awful stomach flu and could not eat ANYTHING - not even fluids for 4 days...after that was all said and done, it took me some time to get back on track. Then, February came - and I celebrated. A lot. So there was cake, and drinking, and eating late at night because of drinking. BUT - I was still okay...not over doing it. I have managed to not gain...but I haven't lost much in the last 6 weeks either.

So, Chelsea and I made a deal last night. By June 1 - we both want to be under 200. I have a little more to go than she does, but we both need to get our asses in gear and motivate one another.

Thus - phase 1 starts again, today. 2 weeks will take me to April 4. I'll post an update weight wise next Monday, and again on the 4th...here goes - Round 3.

No really.

I went food shopping today, Phase 1 tomorrow. Going to do as best I can the next 2 weeks...which will take me until April 4. I already forsee some challenges, but I will be just fine.

Something new

I tried yogaX last night with Kristen - it's part of the P90X system. Holy good GOD.

We're going to work on walking today.

Good burn.

Did it again...

Almost 2 weeks since my last update. And you know what? That's fine. I'm not going to beat myself over it, because I know that I have still been fairly good about eating, exercising. So even though I didn't DO what I said I was going to...I have the best intentions, and manage to execute it about 80% of the time.

Phase 1 didn't happen last week. Not even sure why. So guess what - Monday, I am back on it. Two weeks will take me until the end of March...which, that's fine - I need the jump start. I am down 27 total, but I still have a long ways to go. CANNOT get complacent.

I know that this site is public, but clearly, the only people that read what I write regularly, are friends, that follow me, and are for the most part dealing with their own weight loss journey. Today, I went somewhere I didn't think I would - I managed to go on a rant on FB. Didn't mean to, but it happened...and maybe the result will be that I can help someone else, even by letting them know that they aren't alone in the process. Who knows.

I'm pasting it here, so that I have it to look back on for myself - for the days when I NEED it - because I know, that I need to take my own advice as easily as I give it out:

I am hoping on my soapbox briefly - but seeing as you are all leaving comments, I figure you are game for what I'm about to say ;)

Not everything works for everyone. READ - find what works for YOU, and run with it. I have found in my own personal experience (and from working in the weight loss industry), that it is a lot of trial and error. For one. For two - YOU HAVE TO BE READY!!! Mentally, ready to make the change. If you are not, you will most likely fail. Sorry, but it is true. Why do you think there are so many yo yo dieters? Because people 'say' they are going to do something, and don't...or they do, and it lasts a few days until they are bored, stressed, drunk, whatever.

Figure out what YOUR habits are - is it portions? Do you skip meals through the day? Are you getting all of your calories in the form of liquids (soda, etc). If you don't know what the problem is, you will have a hard time with a solution.

I am by no means, an expert. This is a struggle for me every day of my life. Even once I lose what I want to, I will always be a 'fat kid' - I love food. My advice is based on what I have found to work for me...I am truly grateful and blessed to have a very supportive family and network of friends, who have been so great in providing the encouragement that I so badly need most days. I have a blog that I write in - I try to update it daily, it helps me to remain accountable. Sometimes I fail miserably at that...I also use a free site - loseit.com - which helps me to SEE what I am eating, calories I can have, what my progress is... THAT is what I need. Some people need meetings. Some people need boot camp. This is what I need, and you are all a large part of it - bigger than you can imagine!!! So thank you!!!

Back to basics.

Starting phase 1 on Monday.

Gotta do it.

Long weekend. Once again, tough to stay on track while on someone else's schedule.

Oh, and while I am bleeding like roadkill. That's always a challenge, too.

Sunday, someone actually said to me that I needed to 'buy smaller jeans' - so, that made me smile, briefly - then I realized no, I can't - because I am in between sizes right now, and I refuse to spend money on new clothes while I am still losing. So, for now I'll continue to have to hike up my pants constantly, even with a belt - and deal with the saggy ass look.

Could be worse, right? ;)

Down 25.

I hate this whole process. I really do.

Looking back at my progress, I knew it was going to be long term to get to where I wanted to...that was never a question.

Here we are - 3 1/2 months into the journey, and I have FINALLY hit the 25 pound mark.

Granted - I was at 20 right before Christmas...then, went thru Christmas, New Years, got really sick for 2 weeks, oh - and then birthday month started.

Just goes to show there is never a good time. Ever.

I have derailed.

14 days since my last post.

Disgusting.

Frankly, I've stayed away because I haven't had much good to say the last few weeks. It has been cold and snowy, most days I don't even leave the house because I don't want to deal with driving in that shit. Which means not getting to the gym as often. Oh, and let's throw birthday cake in there.

Amazingly, I've managed to lose a few more pounds, and I am back to where I was a month ago when I got sick.

Am I where I thought I would be at this point, when I started November 1? Clearly not. But, I am trying. Every day. Some days are more of a struggle than others.

I am convinced regardless of how much weight I lose, I will always struggle.

Slowly getting back on track...here's hoping I stay there.

Thank God for small miracles.

The sun came out today. The roads were clear. I GOT TO THE GYM.

Sweet Jesus, I have never been so relieved to get out of the house and MOVE. It felt great. Kath didn't meet me today, she's been sick, so I was doing my own thing - and I forgot how much I really do enjoy working out. I did 3 miles on the elliptical and a bunch of weights. Legs and some arms, and I cannot wait to feel that 'good sore' tomorrow morning.

Also went tanning too. This weather is not only depressing, but the lack of daily sunshine is really affecting me. So, even though it was fake, the warmth allowed me to pretend I was somewhere really, really great. Like a beach. haha

Luckily, I had an emotional work out of sorts as well...a much needed reality check & pep talk. Thank you. :)

Finally... I think I am coming out of the funk.

It's snowing.

AGAIN.

If I can't get out of the house today and get to the gym, I may literally go crazy.

I am sucking at life lately.

Seriously - what is happening? I was doing really, REALLY well for awhile and lately I have lost my focus.

Me.

I am my focus. I have to be my focus. I can't do this for anyone else other than myself, because that is when I start to slip. I cannot allow myself room for leeway, or 'just a little bit' or 'maybe I'll go tomorrow' - I cannot do it.

UGH.

Do you ever wake up, already feeling aggravated, only to have the day make it worse?

I am frustrated. There's a million things I want to get out of my head and into sentences, but they don't even make sense right now as thoughts - let alone try and put them into cohesive strings of words.

I just want to know when it's going to get easy. I deserve to be happy. ALL of the time.

There's nothing worse than being in a funk, than not knowing how you got in it or how to get out of it.

Like a lightbulb.

It hit me today.

I need to stop focusing so much on 'the number' and moreso on how I feel.

Lately, I have lost the feeling...the feeling of being in control, of really genuinely feeling good about myself. Why?

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I am determined as hell to figure it out. Today, Kathy and I started what is going to be our new regiment at the gym. 4 days a week. 2 days will be an hour on the elliptical, the other 2 will be 30 minutes followed by alternate days of weights.

Earlier today, I toyed with the idea of doing the Broad Street Run this May. 10 miles. TEN MILES. Dear Lord to say it outloud makes it sound even worse...the most I have ever done is a 5k, and frankly, 10 is a lot more than 3.2.

Then - I saw a post on friend's blog about being inspired...she talked about a post she read on a blog that she follows. So I decided to read the post, and watch a video - and it hit me like a ton of bricks in the face. I mean really, to my core - made it all very real for me. This isn't about what I am saying that I'm going to do - it's about DOING it. There is no such thing as someday, it needs to be right now. That simple.

Here's the blog: bendoeslife.com

The video is on the right hand side of the home page. I'm warning you - I cried throughout the entire thing.

I seem to have misplaced my self control.

Need to find it. ASAP.

Frustrated.

This has been a rough week.

I haven't been able to get to the gym. I am frustrated. I haven't eaten a normal day's worth of food, in 5 days.

Aside from my own personal health, I feel like I am failing someone close to me. Well, maybe not failing, but they're in a spot and I don't know how to help them. Maybe I can't? At what point do you accept you can't fix something and just try to be supportive the best you can? I suppose that's where I'm at...what I need to fix...I need to understand, that I can't do anything but just be...and that's okay.

Normally, I can go to the gym and that distracts me - if even temporarily. I can get it out...destress, refocus, all of it. I have had NO outlet for over a week now, and I am way too much in my own head.

I can't do it.

Meh.

I woke up today, "feeling" better...like myself. Apparently, that was temporary.

I have eaten ONCE, like real food - since Sunday evening, and that was a salad. How in the hell is anything still coming out of me?

You should know by now, that if you are reading my blog I am not going to sensor it or worry about offending anyone, so if it gets too personal...well, I'm not sorry. lol

This is to the point of getting ridiculous. I can't eat without it going right through me, so I don't eat. Well, you don't eat, you don't have energy. I am tired of laying around, doing nothing. I have a rehearsal tonight. I want to EAT. This is so damn aggravating!!!

Ugh.

It's amazing the difference a week can make.

Last week, I was feeling somewhat defeated...set an unrealistic goal for myself, and backtracked a bit.

This week, I get sick - and may possibly have gotten the jump start that I have been waiting for, for the last few weeks.

I originally wanted to be down an additional 15 pounds by my birthday...35 total, since November 1. Then decided that was too much, since I gained a few back over Xmas/NYE...well, I have since lost the few I gained, and an additional 6.5 pounds.

Since Sunday.

Total, since November 1, I am down 23.5...I think it is feasible that I could lose another 11.5 by my birthday (27 days).

Being sick sucks.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me, hoping it is just a temporary bug, but man - I have not felt this sick in as long as I can remember.

Went to bed around 830 last night...woke up 2 hours later, throwing up. This proceeded to happen every 2 hours through the night, last time was around 630am. Diarhea too. Like really? At one point it was taking all of my energy to walk from my bed, to the bathroom. I would go from sweating to having the chills within minutes. Couldn't even keep fluids down.

Weighed myself this evening, and I've lost 5.5 - since YESTERDAY.

I need to eat, I have no energy but I'm afraid to because I don't want it to come right back up. Hoping that this subsides by the morning.

Whew.

Weighed this morning...back to my pre-Christmas weight...thankfully!

I have another dress fitting on the 29th for Chrissy's wedding...IDEALLY I would like to be down another 10 by then. That's 3 weeks. I can do that, right???

Haven't posted any pictures lately, so here's an update...these are from mid December.

Nothing earthshattering, slow and steady - but these don't make me want to vomit like the one from July did!

Gym yesterday. What a disaster. It was packed, all the new years resolutioners were there, all super motivated...hopefully that won't last. I mean, don't get me wrong I am glad that people want to be healthy but it is always a headache after the 1st of the year, when it is mad crowded. Usually doesn't take long to thin out...just kinda funny that the 'regulars' get lazy because they don't want to deal with the temporary scene of madness. Hopefully it will subside.

Didn't get to the gym today...legs are still kind of tight from yesterday. Also barely ate. Had lunch with the girls, and had A roll -well that was a bad, bad idea...within an hour I was sick. That was enough for me to lose my appetite and motivation to eat for today.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be better...otherwise, life is good! Lots of reasons to smile... :)

I think I was a bit premature in my post yesterday. I weighed this morning, and while I had a feeling I had gained over the holidays, I didn't think it would be 5 pounds.

There's no way that I am going to lose that 5, and an additional 15 in the next 35 days. Not when it took me nearly two months to lose the inital 20.

Fuck.

I'm going to be realistic. Kath and I start back to the gym today after a week and a half off, and I would like to do 4 days a week. If I can do that, go back on Phase 1 for the next 2 weeks... I am going to set my goal - REALISTICALLY - at 13 by my birthday. That would put me at 28 total since starting November 1.

New Years resolution?

Not so much...moreso of a recommitment - is that a word? - to continue to lose weight. I have managed to lose 20 since November 1, and while I am thrilled with that, and that was my first goal, I am nowhere near done. I am trying to remain realistic and not set unreasonable goals. It is the beginning of the year, the holidays are done - for now - and I can focus on myself again.

My next goal, is to lose another 15 by my birthday...

Ready - go.