Alright.

At this point, I'm going to aim to update once a week. That way when it's more frequent than that, it'll be a nice little surprise for all of us. Myself included.

This week has SUCKED. I was having issues going to the bathroom all of last week...thought maybe it was from the protein powder I was using for my shakes in the morning, because I couldn't think of anything else that had changed in my daily routine.

By the weekend, I was MISERABLE. I'm normally very, very regular, so this was hell.

I tried eating things that normally go right through me. Coffee after Mike and I went to dinner Friday night. NOTHING. Even went as far as to pick up some laxatives on Saturday...took that before I went to bed, said 'produces movement in 6-12 hours'. great. Now we wait.

NOTHING. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! So, I did the unthinkable. Mike had this stuff that you take before you're having a colonoscopy. Yes. Colon cleanse. You drink it mixed with water, and it's supposed to work as early as 30 minutes. At this point I was desperate, and was tired of feeling like total shit and having it ruin my day. So, a few hours later, it kicked in. We're about to get real personal here but fuck it, it's my blog and if you're reading it, you know me well enough to know that I don't care. :)

After throwing up twice and shitting 12 times - yes, you read that correctly - TWELVE TIMES - in a span of about 6, 6.5 hours, I was finally able to feel some sort of relief and sleep. I woke up Monday feeling a little better, and frankly starving because - well, my body was EMPTY.

I don't even want to get on the scale. Because even though I feel like I lost 20 pounds in a day, I'll get on there and probably be pissed. So, we'll see tomorrow morning if I make that decision or not.

Friday, we go shopping for dresses for wedding #1. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.

I'd prefer not to be the 'big bridesmaid' :)

So I've been sleeping real shitty and waking up late...I thought, hey, I'll make protein shakes and drink those on the way to work. Easy, quick and should fill me up.

They've been filling me alright. The last 3 days I've had really BAD stomach pains, where I've felt like I was going to shit myself, but can't. Mike thinks it's from the protein.

So, tomorrow, we're skipping that. I'm off from work so I can get a good nights sleep and wake up and make actual breakfast. Go to the gym, and we'll see how I feel afterwards. You can only get so far in your day when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom all the time. Not the way I like to spend my day.

Another thing he mentioned is if I am intaking too much protein, and not exercising, then it's going to cause me to gain weight, not lose it...so, that's no bueno.

Here I thought I was doing something right. HA!

Stress.

That's it. I've finally figured it out. I don't eat because I'm bored or emotionally needing it. I eat when I am stressed.

Yesterday SUCKED. Plain and simple. 10 people in my department got laid off, and it came out of nowhere. I haven't felt like that at work in a long time. I left feeling defeated and confused...a bit anxious and unsure, even though I'd like to think that I am good at what I do. Regardless, I left, went to Chrissy's, and it was over.

I felt like shit afterwards, and it's my own fault. But now I know that is my issue. And where I need to work hardest.

Because I hate to break it to myself and anyone else paying attention, the stress isn't going to go away any time soon.

C'est la vie...

So today started a new week. The weekend went a lot better than I thought it would, and so far, I'm not hating life.

Good start, right? ;-)

I'm realizing that I need to stop drinking coffee. Not that I drink it often, I have cut back considerably from my days of Starbucks or DD at least once a day, 4-5 times a week. But now that I am eating better, things are already moving along...a diuretic is the last thing I need. I can't really afford to spend half of my day at work in the bathroom.

Lunch is getting easier at work too. As long as I don't get food poisoning from the salad bar. I'm doing better at taking my own stuff, instead of being tempted otherwise.

I went to the gym tonight for the first time and picked up my membership card, and got my free t shirt. I may go tomorrow night if I am not too drained after work. Right now I am feeling pretty wiped from the weekend still, and it's after 11...still not in bed.

Going to get on the scale tomorrow. Hopefully things will be moving in a positive fashion...no more bloating, and we're a week into things, so I'm expecting 3 pounds...more than that, will be a surprise.

Low expectations, less room for disappointment.

Day...yeah, I am sucking already.

So it's Sunday, and honestly, the weekend has been okay so far. Not as bad as I thought it would be. My fear has been that I'll do really well during the week - or moreso on the days I have work (established schedule and routine) and fuck it all up on my days off. So far so good.

Thursday night I came over to boyfriend's after work, he wanted Wendy's...ugh. Fucking fast food. I was good. Side salad and 5 piece. Yeah, fried, but chicken is better than a big ass burger with cheese and bread and copious amounts of grease, and fries which is what I really wanted. So I consider that a small moral victory. Friday we ordered lunch from a local pizza place and while he ate a nice, fatty cheesesteak, I was good once again. Salad with grilled chicken, eggs, green peppers, onions - oil and vin on the side.

I can do this, right?

Friday night we went to dinner at Chili's. Salad, again. The only 'bad' part was the appetizer, but we split it, and frankly I paid for it later. So it all works out. He had a beer, I drank water.

We went out to dinner last night to not celebrate Valentine's day, and had sushi. Not the buffet, which we both LOVE, but a place around the corner from his house. I ate sashimi, so not as much rice as normal, and we also had a salad beforehand. More water.

Breakfast today, we went out with his uncle, though I had some homefries, I told the waitress no toast.

So while I'm not eating strictly rabbit food, I am certainly making a more conscious effort to get my shit together. He's being real supportive too, and while I don't forsee him eating salads at every meal any time soon, he is still being really good about it.

I still need to stop by the new gym and pick my stuff up, take the tour. I did tell him about it, and he asked 'can you take guests?' so I think this is going to be good for us...I can help motivate him, and I know once he gets back into the swing of things, he'll be disciplined about it too.

Baby steps right?

Day 2.

Er, full day 1. Whatever you want to call it.

I woke up this morning, feeling a little bit better about things. A good conversation with a smart friend, helped to put things in perspective.

I am a good person and I deserve good things to happen to me. Some of which, I need to motivate myself. Others will happen on their own. I need to stop being so hard on myself, but if I don't - who will be? I'm an adult now, fully responsible for my own self, no one else is going to say to me 'you shouldn't eat that' or 'stop doing that' so if I'm not hard on me, it won't happen.

What I need to get better at, is taking the good with the bad. Find things that I am truly happy about, and remind myself of those things when I would rather tell myself how much of a miserable failure I am.

You thought this was going to be a happy post?

Well, here's something positive. I got on the scale this morning - something that I avoided since...oh, before Christmas. For various reasons...regardless, I knew I needed my starting point. I FULLY expected to step on the scale and be well above 250. Unbelievably, I am at the same weight I was, before Christmas. I guess I've just mentally gained a lot more than I wanted to.

So, while I'm back at a place I swore I'd never be, I am moving forward. I joined the gym online last night and just need to stop by to take the tour and pick up my membership card. Doing that tomorrow, it said 1 business day to process everything. I also went food shopping last night and when I came home, purged - as in, got rid of anything potentially bad in the house. Which, there wasn't much of. I am pretty aware of the foods I buy - and how to eat well, I just need to do it ALL THE TIME. When I get lazy or run out, that's when I get into trouble...then it's Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, cafe at work for lunch, and who knows what shit for dinner.

I can't do that anymore.

I need to be in complete control, all of the time or this will not work.

Day 1

Well, here we are.

Somewhere I swore I'd never be. Putting part of my very personal life, on the internet.

For years, I hated these things. Convinced myself it was just a way for pathetic people to gain some attention for themselves, they otherwise wouldn't have in their sad lives. And yet...here we are.

I'm at a point where I need accountability. I can't do this on my own. I have tried in years past, and been successful...but as I get older, it gets harder. Isn't life supposed to be easier the older/wiser we get? Right.

So from now on, this is where I'll keep things...updates, trials and tribulations of my ongoing struggle with the evil bitch we all call 'weight'. Chelsea and I talk about how no matter how skinny we get, we will always be fat kids at heart.

At what point can that change?