Day 2.

Er, full day 1. Whatever you want to call it.

I woke up this morning, feeling a little bit better about things. A good conversation with a smart friend, helped to put things in perspective.

I am a good person and I deserve good things to happen to me. Some of which, I need to motivate myself. Others will happen on their own. I need to stop being so hard on myself, but if I don't - who will be? I'm an adult now, fully responsible for my own self, no one else is going to say to me 'you shouldn't eat that' or 'stop doing that' so if I'm not hard on me, it won't happen.

What I need to get better at, is taking the good with the bad. Find things that I am truly happy about, and remind myself of those things when I would rather tell myself how much of a miserable failure I am.

You thought this was going to be a happy post?

Well, here's something positive. I got on the scale this morning - something that I avoided since...oh, before Christmas. For various reasons...regardless, I knew I needed my starting point. I FULLY expected to step on the scale and be well above 250. Unbelievably, I am at the same weight I was, before Christmas. I guess I've just mentally gained a lot more than I wanted to.

So, while I'm back at a place I swore I'd never be, I am moving forward. I joined the gym online last night and just need to stop by to take the tour and pick up my membership card. Doing that tomorrow, it said 1 business day to process everything. I also went food shopping last night and when I came home, purged - as in, got rid of anything potentially bad in the house. Which, there wasn't much of. I am pretty aware of the foods I buy - and how to eat well, I just need to do it ALL THE TIME. When I get lazy or run out, that's when I get into trouble...then it's Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, cafe at work for lunch, and who knows what shit for dinner.

I can't do that anymore.

I need to be in complete control, all of the time or this will not work.