Baby steps

It's not that I have forgotten about posting in here....I just haven't had anything worth posting about.   Sad isn't it?

I started walking this week.  Did 1.5 miles on Monday, took Tuesday off which was smart because my right knee was sore...Did another 1.5 last night.  My goal is to do 3 days this week, and next, then move to 4 days. Slow and steady .   I want to stick with it, not get hurt or discouraged.

Ideally, I want to be down 30 by Aug 1. Not going to get there just by watching what I eat, some of the time.  Gotta move too.

We'll see how this first week goes...

Desperately trying to figure out when what is going to work, and keep working... getting frustrated

The universe

Sometimes, I really do truly believe things happen as they're supposed to....that the universe aligns in ways to send us messages we need. Messages we are incapable of receiving on our own, for whatever reason.

This afternoon I received an email from Weight Watchers. Something about their lowest weekly rate, blah blah.  I get them from time to time and, delete. I did WW for 10 weeks back in 2011 or 2012, lost 17lbs then tried to do it on my own. You know how that worked out.

Later this evening, I saw an article on 6abc app about a woman from NJ, who lost 140lbs.  Went from wearing xxxl to a size 6.  Read her story....eerily similar to myself in ways.  Ok. Fine. I'm a little intrigued.

Then, I log onto here after months and months (almost didn't remember my password) and see that my first post ever, was February 10, 2009.

Almost 6 years to the day. And I'm still struggling. I will always struggle. I need to really, truly accept that before I can successfully move forward.

First goal.

Down 10. FINALLY. Missed hitting it by Christmas a few days, but I am still happy I managed to lose over the weekend and not gain.

Next goal, another 9 by Jan 23...that would put my down 25 from my heaviest weight when I went to the doctor last October. 23rd I go again.

I have been off base since Saturday. WHY do I do this??? When am I going to understand, that I am not able to have a little bit of leeway? None. When I do, this always happens.

Need to get it together before I completely derail.

SO PISSED.

Weekends and days off. They are definitely the hardest. Days I have to get up, go to work, I am on a schedule...a routine. And when I eat, how I eat, is also very routine. My struggle right now, is to figure out how to do that, when I am either off and have no set schedule, or around other people.

Saturday night, I ate some stuff I shouldn't have. Not a lot, but enough that I felt sick afterwards, and until Sunday morning. And Sunday, I was not prepared - did not eat breakfast, by 11am I was feeling the effects of that...it's amazing how my body is so used to it now after only 2 weeks of making sure I have a lot of protein in the morning.

I need to do better.

It's Friday

Which means - free lunch at work. And it's pizza day. Let's see how impossible this is...

Fucking over it.

Week 1

...is in the books.

Weighed in this morning, I am down 5.5. I was hoping it would be more but I am happy with it - considering I was not 100% this weekend, and have only been to the gym once.

On to week 2!

Weekend.

It wasn't awful. I also wasn't 100% either, but I think I really did make the best choices I could in situations that were tough. I wasn't at home Saturday, or Sunday - and having to eat with other people, other people's food, and out aren't always easy when you are restricted. But I think I did okay. I even resisted dessert at my parents' last night...and everyone knows, that is no easy task. lol

Today is the last day of week 1. I need to go food shopping again, pick up a few more items that I've run out of...the good thing is, eating a lot of the same things, I'll be a lot better at budgeting and shopping on a regular basis, knowing what I will spend on food. As opposed to stopping at Wawa for lunch and dropping $7-8 or McDonalds for breakfast for $5. I really am trying to do better, not just about my weight but also making lifestyle changes in general.

1st challenge.

So, the last 4 days have not been that bad, really. Day 1 was a little rough, I was hungry all day and all I could think about was food. But I got through it. Even yesterday, which on Fridays, work provides lunch - I did okay. It was hoagies and I just didn't eat the bread. Scooped the tuna right out of the sandwich, and then ate some of what I brought too. But, here we are upon the weekend...

Always tricky. Unless I lock myself in the house, it's going to be a challenge. And I refuse to do that. I just need to stay focused and not let things get out of control. Eye on the prize. If I can get through today and tomorrow, Monday is here - and then Tuesday is already 1 week down.

I can do it.

May get to the gym today, have a lot of other odds and ends type things I wanna do...we'll see.

Bleh.

Well, waking up today was definitely different, having NOT gone to the gym last night. I noticed a huge difference in how I slept, and also how I felt in the morning. I hope I don't drag ass today. Right now, I just want to go back to bed for like, a day.

Ugh.

In other news, I cheated and got on the scale already. Down 4. Ha!

gym

Last night was my first time back to the gym in...weeks? Months? I honestly, could not even tell you - that's how long it has been. Either way, completely unacceptable not only for the fact that I am paying for it each month, but realistically, you can't just think yourself skinny.

I've tried. Doesn't work.

I last 18 minutes on the elliptical, did 1.5 miles. At around the 14 minute mark my muscles started to feel like they were separating from my bones, so I didn't want to overdue it. Again, it's been.....yeah, I wanted to be able to walk today. I'm sore, but not incapacitated. It's that good sore. The feeling you have when you know you've EARNED feeling sore.

Not sure why I wait so damn long...I always feel much better after being there. Even for 20 minutes. Still making the effort to GO. Doesn't mean I have to get in 2 hours each day. I just have to DO it.

I was also able to pick up a print out of what I have paid since January, that I can submit to work and they reimburse up $120 of what you put out for a gym membership. Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, and where the hell did December come from? Seriously...this year has FLOWN.

Well, I survived yesterday. Luckily I was busy at work and also distracted with car issues... I still felt like I was thinking about food constantly. Hopefully today will be better.

I really am impatient about this whole thing. You would think by know I'd have it figured out...

Day 1, version 3...

I found it so much easier to wake up yesterday on my day off, than I did today.

Found time to make breakfast...2 eggs, 2 pieces of turkey sausage, glass of low sodium V8. Mmm, yum - right?

Got on the scale this morning, and while I am not at my heaviest weight that I was last October, I am a little too close to it than I'd like to be...and should be far away by now. But, I fucked up and let all of my hard work from last November - March 30th go down the drain.

Am I pissed? Sure. Disappointed in myself? Absolutely. But feeling pissed and disappointed isn't going to make change. I need to be positive. Believe in myself. Move forward.

So, here we go again.

First goal is to be down 10 by Christmas.

3 1/2 weeks. 26 days.

Once I hit that goal, I'll reveal the others...because there are plenty of benchmarks that stand between me and 75 pounds less of me.

No really.

Apparently that last post, was bullshit.

November has come and gone, just about - and I am finally getting my act together. Phase 1 begins tomorrow. Again. For the 3rd and hopefully final time, but I doubt that - because really, I will always struggle. I need to accept that, it will make things a lot easier.

Went food shopping today, ate all kinds of bad stuff to the point of feeling even more gross about myself, and threw out anything that was bad in my cabinets, fridge...there wasn't much. I'm not bad about the stuff I buy. My eating habits have just been completely erratic. I let others influence me too much. I've gotten lazy. Complacent.

Need to get back to the gym too.

Tired of making excuses.

3rd times a charm?

Back at square one. Again.

Honestly, this is getting old. I am tired of allowing myself to get to the point of complete frustration, gain weight back, and THEN decided to fix it. When am I going to learn? Or won't I? Will this always be something I have to struggle with? Something I have to work at every day of my life?

Ugh.

That's how I feel right now.

Ugh.

5k in 5 days. I am terrified. I haven't been to the gym in lord knows how long. My schedule has been turned upside down with the new job - which I love - but I have had zero time for myself really, and when I do, I just want to sleep. Yeah, because I'm fat - that's what happens. You're tired all the time.

Completely aggravated. Disgusted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Get the point???

Here we go again.

November 1, same time I started last year, took me until March to lose 30, and I've managed to gain most of it back. I'd like to be down 15 between now and the end of the month.

Ready, go.

I'm disappointed,

In myself. In my lack of discipline. Lack of self control.

I worked my ass off to lose 30 pounds...I am sure I could look back and see exactly when I got there, May? April?

All summer, I let myself do whatever I wanted. Skipped the gym. Ate bate. And I've paid for it. I've managed to gain back almost half of what I lost. Super.

I have to go to the doctor's on the 31st. That will be a year just about from when I went prior, and was at my heaviest weight ever. I wanted to be down 50 by the time that appointment came. That won't happen. If I can lose 10 between now and then I'll be thrilled.

I am back on lose-it.com. I have found that when I stick to that and keep a better eye on what I am eating, I am much more accountable. There's gotta be a starting point. So, there it is.

Ugh.

I need more hours in the day.

Yep.

Still slacking.

I know, what the hell am I waiting for, right? Honestly, the last month has been out of control. I have had no free time, working, teaching, oh -and I got a new job that starts on Monday. So, yay excited for that, but again - I have had no time to just breathe, and focus on ME.

The intent is there. It really is...my PLAN is to get up and do the gym in the mornings. Now, you know I am not a morning person, so this is challenging in and of itself. Plus the next 2-3 weeks are training, so I am in the office at 8am...which is 2 hours earlier than I have been used to being at work the last 5 months.

The next week or so is crucial. Time to get my ass back in gear, mentally, physically, EMOTIONALLY. I am tired of feeling all over the place. And it's my own fault.